I wrote this post two days ago, on Friday, and wasn’t sure if I should post it or not. Then I realized, maybe someone, somewhere, is feeling the way I do. If you are, just know that you’re not alone. God has a plan for us. We just gotta trust him. Here’s what I wrote:
This week, or these five days, the week is not over yet, has been really inspiring. But it has also been hard.
Remember Paul? I told you about him in the post “It’s Time To Get Real”. The guy who’s going to be a model? We’ve kinda become better friends this week.
We had this assignment in school where we were gonna talk about our belief. What we think of things. You know, how did we get here? Are we here for a reason? What’s gonna happen when we die?
Since both Paul and I are Christians, we were thinking about doing the assignment together. The weird thing was, the teacher didn’t seem very happy about it. Sure, I thought, Paul is often traveling to Florida so he’s not here very often, the teacher doesn’t want me to wait for him to get back. But I insisted. I WAS going to do this with Paul! You won’t believe how much the teacher tried to stop it. He kept telling me that it wasn’t a good idea to do it with Paul, that it would be so much better if I did it alone. And he kept setting me up with other people to do it with. During all of this, Paul was in Florida and happily unaware of all my struggling. He was away for two weeks.
He came back on Monday. The next day, on Tuesday, when all ninth-graders were outside at the hill next to our school, the teacher came up to me once again saying it’s not a good idea to do the assignment with Paul. Only this time, when I looked a bit past the teachers face, I could see Paul sitting in the grass talking to his friends. So, it wasn’t because Paul was in Florida I couldn’t do the assignment with him. It had something to with Paul.
I’ve known Paul almost my whole life, that why I could see the reason. He has changed. God has changed him so much. He’s a whole new person. I can’t really explain it to you, but it’s incredible.
The teachers can see this. They don’t know what it is, but they do know that it’s powerful and they know they can’t do anything about it and that scares them. This powerful thing might be contagious, right? Haha.
Anyways, we did the assignment today. It went horrible. Well, not for Paul, he was doing great. I didn’t even know what to say. This was really awkward since I know very well what I believe. Wanna know my problem? My worry? The secret I don’t tell people since I know I’m gonna cry?
I can’t hear God, I can’t speak in tongues, I can’t feel God’s presence. I can stand in a room full of people and everyone is feeling God’s presence except for me. People can pray for me, and it doesn’t happen anything.
It’s really hard to explain. But to make it short; if something has anything to do with Christianity, there no idea I’m there since I won’t see, hear or feel it.
I know it’s not true, but it feels like God forgets about me or just doesn’t care. I feel so lost and so alone. I don’t even know if he wants me to be an actress, I don’t know anything about anything. I want to see. To hear. To feel. To do what he wants me to do. I know something is blocking it, that something has to change, but I don’t know how what it is. And it’s hard to change it, when you don’t know what there is to change.
Some people don’t understand my concern about this, and why I’m so upset about it. It feels like I’m in this bubble, screaming for someone to help me but no one hear me, and everybody’s like “It’s fine, Sara. Everything’s fine.” and walk away.
I told Paul all of this, or at least tried to, I cried so hard the whole time. He understood, and he really tried to help me. I’m so thankful for that. He asked me if I have ever been baptized in the holy spirit. I said that I didn’t know. I know what it is, I just don’t know if I have. Some people tell me I have, some people tell me I haven’t.
But that’s probably the problem; I’m not baptized in the holy spirit. It all makes sense.
He said that he and his family was going to pray for me, so thankful for that. Now, all I can do is pray that God will baptize me, and trust that he has everything under control. There’s nothing more I can do.